Thursday, September 17, 2009

If I Ruled the World

WISIMH: These days, you can’t take two steps without tripping over another war being fought by one or another global schoolyard bullies for ideologically stupid reasons. Now that the aging populations of the dying global superpowers are so last-century and decadent, we no longer have ideologies worth fighting and dying for. We can, however, send our own poor and uneducated cannon fodder; or fund client states with younger and stronger populations to fight and die on our behalf. That we got rich from raping them and their resources is just one more factor that tips the balance from sad to genocidal.

So, I was pondering these heavy thoughts this morning over my iced coffee with lots of heavy cream. Then, I sat down to detail my cogent observations about how the world is going to hell and how I’d fix these problems if I ruled the world. You may be asking yourself, what makes me different from millions of other bloggers with opinions and idealistic plans to solve problems ranging from climate change to road rage. (Or, maybe you’re asking yourself how did I get here?, but that's another post). Well, me - because, I’m special. If only I added my advice to the world about how to solve problems, things would be better, trust me.

Here’s an example. If I was in charge, the lady in front of me at the green light yesterday wouldn’t have kept her foot on the brakes and waved a car out of the ahead of her from the freeway exit to our right. I would have explained to her that right turn on red thingie still gives us the right of way if we’re going straight and our light is green, you imbecile.

But, here’s the thing. If I was in charge, the world would only be better if I had some enforcement authority to back up my sage advice. You can’t just issue advice (let alone fatwas against bad drivers) and expect people to listen, particularly if you do so on your blog, Facebook, or if you tweet the deet. I mean, who listens to Aston Kucher already? Heck, people don’t even pay attention to Suzanne Summers since her mansion burned down.

I heard somebody deny they were racist and call Prez Obama “uppity”. That’s like claiming to be a Christian and killing abortion doctors. Crazy, right? I think the world needs me to mediate disputes between those who fear and distrust facts and those who rely on them to operate. I think I should have been entitled to walk up to that lady’s car, open the door, smack her on the back of the head, and tell her to think next time. And notice how I haven’t mentioned she was Asian. That would be, well, racist, which, of course, I’m not.

Here’s another example. In surfing the innernetz the other day looking for signs of intelligent life, I stumbled upon a random blog that explained in the “about me” section, that among other jobs, the blogger had once worked as a “domestic violence advocate” which doesn’t seem to me to be something you should brag about. It’s like including the info that you’re a registered sex offender; a retired porn star; or a racist, or bragging that you drive like an Asian on Ambien. (Apologies to all my Asian friends who can drive. Wait… never mind).

WISIMH: If I ruled the world, I’d make everybody grow and eat at least one vegetable per growing season. I’d make an exception for AIDS orphans who are too busy keeping the flies off their baby siblings’ eyes and boiling muddy water for dinner. Wait, I’d probably solve the problems that led to them becoming struggling orphans living in a house made of mud. Then, I’d tell them to stay in school, not do drugs, and raise and eat at least one vegetable per growing season.

Or, in the alternative to fixing the world, I thought I could go back to bed, pull the covers over my head and sleep for another hour. Tough call, but as you can probably tell from the way the world is still fucked up, I opted for the extra sleep.

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