Wednesday, November 26, 2008


DOB: I used to cook...

UCC: You just made meatloaf the other night.

(pause to eat)

DOB: I used to cook...

UCC: You just made meatloaf the other night.

WISIMH: If you can call ground beef and ketchup, baked until a lovely black crust forms on top "cooking".

Monday, November 17, 2008

Pros and Cones

TCG: If you’re going to the kitchen, will you bring me back a chocolate ice cream milk shake?

UCC: I was actually going to the happy place in my mind, can I bring you back a dose of Anti-Laziness Potion, or perhaps a chocolate ice cream cone of despair?

TCG: Isn’t the kitchen on your way to wherever the hell you’re going?

UCC: Yes. As is the abattoir, the slaughter house, the henhouse populated with carriers of the H5N1 virus, the giant freezer where I store my unrealized dreams, and the bathroom. Can I pee for you while I’m up, you lazy bastard?

TCG: You’re not a funny as you might think.

WISIMN: Nor are you as delightfully charming, as accomplished at covering up your paranoid suspicions, as proficient at controlling your smoldering resentment before it bursts into flames of bitterness, or as successful at restraining your self-inflicted self-pity. So that makes two of us, dear heart.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The Stamp Dilemma

TCG: You should know, I used the stamps on the top, in your desk.

UCC: And now I know.

TCG: I mean I used them all up, there are no more – on the top.

UCC: But there might be more stamps on the sides of my desk?

TCG: No, I mean there might be more under the papers and things stacked there.

UCC: And now I know that, too.

TCG: No, I mean there might not be any more stamps.

UCC: You’re telling me I should buy stamps?

TCG: No, you should look first to see if there are more, then buy them if there aren’t.

WHSIHS No, what you REALLY mean is you’re too fucking lazy to do more than pick stamps out of the top of the mess, and notify me of your laziness. Even though you’re going to the Post Office right now, you wouldn’t want to undertake any task involving initiative, decision making, or more than six calories to accomplish.

Monday, November 3, 2008


TCG: (driving the car one lovely afternoon) Hey, look over there! (gesturing wildly about 12:15 high)

UCC: (obligingly facing that direction and straining for some clue about what is being drawn to one’s attention. Clueless, but trying not to look impatient for falling, yet again, for that trick.)

TCG: What the hell was that?

UCC: Ok, I know, but you go first.

TCG: (Failing without trying to not look impatient) Forget about it.

UCC: Ok, no prob ---

TCG: Hey, what’s that?

WISIMH: An ancient tribal burial mound that suddenly appeared atop that parking structure? A storm cloud on the horizon bearing down on us from behind? A coven of witches in a lurid fluorescence of acid greens and chartreuse, their feline familiars screaming like banshees? A clue left at the scene of the crime in the form of a man standing on the streetcorner and twirling a sign that says something about erectile dysfunction? Is my fucking hair on fire, you douche?