Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Those Flowers

DOB: (Waving her hand in the general direction of the front yard) What are those flowers?
UCC: (Trying to figure out what the fuck she’s pointed at) You must be looking at the red bottlebrush flowers.
DOB: I don’t know. What do they look like?
UCC: They’re red. And they’re shaped like bottlebrushes.
DOB: I don’t know.
WISIMH: Do you even pay attention to what comes out of your own mouth?

Monday, March 9, 2009

Again with the Blogging

TCG: Are you blogging again? Don’t you have anything else to do?
UCC: I do this one or two mornings a week, and I’m retired, so bite me.
TCG: But you go away when you’re at the computer, and I miss you.
UCC: Sometimes, I have to go away, but I always come back because I have a soft spot for you.
WISIMH: And because the soft spot is in the middle of a pit of quicksand. And because it’s hard to spend all my time in your stifling presence. If I tried, I’d probably be doing harder time within six months because I haven’t yet perfected the foolproof crime or the airtight alibi.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

More (Approximately) Twenty Questions

One way to think of our brief lives is to consider our time here as the ultimate game of twenty questions. Our task is to find that “one true thing” (or twenty). Before we can answer what I’ll call the Big Twenty, we have to stop wasting time on answering questions that shouldn’t make the cut.

I offer below some of the questions I’ve answered only to realize they shouldn’t make the Big Twenty cut. By not wasting your time on these question, you could save years of time on detours in the journey of your life. You’ll thank me later.

#11. Will I ever outgrow my distrust of authority?
Not so far, but I begin to suspect that my intermittent distrust is replaced with chronic paranoia as I age. So, I’ve got that to look forward to.

#15. Are more people killed each year by runaway steam engines or malfunctioning jet packs?
This could actually be one of the Big Twenty, but I’m still conducting research and I’m no closer to an answer than I was at age 16.

#38. What collectible object will become the next new overpriced speculatory sensation?
Toast with pictures of saints burned into them. Papist toast!

#47. Do you promise never to use MSG when you cook?
If, by MSG, you mean monosodium glutamate then I’m on board. However, unexplained acronyms are misunderstandings waiting to happen. Don’t get me started about how my starter husband thought it meant Birth Control Pills, but I thought BCP meant Boston Cream Pie.

13. Do you ever wonder what would happen if you mixed Clorox with ammonia to clean the bathroom?
Nope. Already know.

18. What is your biggest regret?
Not knowing until it was too late that when dreams die, they make a sound like someone sitting on a whoopee cushion in a proctologist’s waiting room.

42. Why do elephants drink?
To forget.

1. Have you ever broken a bone?
Mine or somebody else’s?
Yes. That’s two questions.

9. Would you recommend that people with one glass eye consider replacing it with eye-shaped snow globes?
How moderately funny, but tasteless. So, sadly, no.