One way to think of our brief lives is to consider our time here as the ultimate game of twenty questions. Our task is to find that “one true thing” (or twenty). Before we can answer what I’ll call the Big Twenty, we have to stop wasting time on answering questions that shouldn’t make the cut.
I offer below some of the questions I’ve answered only to realize they shouldn’t make the Big Twenty cut. By not wasting your time on these question, you could save years of time on detours in the journey of your life. You’ll thank me later.
#11. Will I ever outgrow my distrust of authority?
Not so far, but I begin to suspect that my intermittent distrust is replaced with chronic paranoia as I age. So, I’ve got that to look forward to.
#15. Are more people killed each year by runaway steam engines or malfunctioning jet packs?
This could actually be one of the Big Twenty, but I’m still conducting research and I’m no closer to an answer than I was at age 16.
#38. What collectible object will become the next new overpriced speculatory sensation?
Toast with pictures of saints burned into them. Papist toast!
#47. Do you promise never to use MSG when you cook?
If, by MSG, you mean monosodium glutamate then I’m on board. However, unexplained acronyms are misunderstandings waiting to happen. Don’t get me started about how my starter husband thought it meant Birth Control Pills, but I thought BCP meant Boston Cream Pie.
13. Do you ever wonder what would happen if you mixed Clorox with ammonia to clean the bathroom?
Nope. Already know.
18. What is your biggest regret?
Not knowing until it was too late that when dreams die, they make a sound like someone sitting on a whoopee cushion in a proctologist’s waiting room.
42. Why do elephants drink?
1. Have you ever broken a bone?
Mine or somebody else’s?
Yes. That’s two questions.
9. Would you recommend that people with one glass eye consider replacing it with eye-shaped snow globes?
How moderately funny, but tasteless. So, sadly, no.