Somebody We Know

We are driving in a car, through a lovely suburban neighborhood, to attend the wedding of a family friend.

DOB: Doesn't somebody live in this neighborhood?

TCG: I suspect that many people live in this neighborhood.

WISAIM: His suspicion is based on the fact that there are so many houses on each street.

DOB: (Impatiently) No. Somebody we know.

TCG: Can you give me a clue?

DOB: (Long pause). I have no idea.

WISIMH: This is what passes for conversation here in the Fortress of Attitude.

Short and Not So Sweet

Short Belligerent Person: Bump your shopping cart into me again and I’ll punch you in the knee.

UCC: I said I was sorry. I didn’t see you because, well, because you’re short.

SBP: Well, next time look, asshole.

WISIMH: Well, surely my good little man. Although, perhaps you should wear a red flag on a long bendy stick - like kids attach to their bikes - to catch the eye of normal people. Asshole.

Menu at the International House of Boredom

TCG: "Another chance?"

UCC: "Always.
You know I love you, right?"

TCG: Yes. I love you too.

WISIMH: There’s worse ways to go than this. Peacefully, in one’s sleep, tossed in restless slumber. Bored to death.
And I do love him so, the sweet loving man.

It’s All About Trust

Went to Blood Bath and Beyond (next door to Holy Christ’s 99 cent store) today to buy a new blade for my scythe. While waiting in the checkout line, I overheard the customer behind me say:

Checkout Line Lady: I would never trust him again, Mom. He did steal your TV, remember?

Mom: I don’t know. Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt.

WISIMH: I’d put my money on distrust, Mom. As G. B. Burgin once said, it is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts. As I once said, distrust is da best trust dere is.

Let's Try to Use our Words

TCG: I’ve got the round one.

UCC: What?

TCG: What you just told me to do!

UCC: Again. What?
(Upon subsequent clarification, it was revealed that he was referring to the context of a prior conversation in which I suggested he take leftovers to DOB – the leftovers being in a round container)

WISIMH: While brevity may be the sole of wit, I find that muttered meaningless monosyllables aren’t particularly amusing. A better metaphor would be that if silence is golden, then I’m a fucking millionaire.

Seeing Things

Yesterday, I made pomegranate juice and when I dumped the seeds into the juicer, some of the splashes stuck to my glasses. Later, I started seeing these red spots before my eyes.

UCC: I’m seeing red spots before my eyes. (closing my eyes) I can’t see! I can’t see!

TCG: What’s the matter? What’s the matter?

UCC: My eyes are closed! My eyes are closed!

WISIMH: One of the all-time best insertions of a Three Stooges skit into a conversation. I knock myself out sometimes, I’m so funny.

Unforseen?

DOB: When I… whatchamacallit…
TCG: Can you be more specific?
WISIMH: It seems to me we have in the attic a sufficient number of old boards? (Baudelaire)