Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Breathing and Coughing

Last night, sitting in our matching recliners in front of the TV.

TCG: Whooo, hoo. (Pause) Whew hoo.  (Repeat endlessly. Think audible pursed-lip breathing, with an added moan/groan attempting to convey the weight of the entire world on one’s exhausted shoulders. Then think of this as part of the ongoing background 24/7. I mean, even when I pull up into the carport and exit the car, he opens the front door, leans out, and starts woo hooing as I walk up the sidewalk.)

UCC: Ok. New Rule. You can make those noises when you walk or otherwise engage in any aerobic activity. But you can’t do it just sitting there in the chair between hacking up phlegm and examining it in the Kleenex before tossing it in the trash.

TCG: But it helps me breathe.

UCC: But it helps drive me crazy, and we wouldn't want that, would we?

WISIMN: Don’t care about the breathing any more. It helps me want to strangle you in your sleep. And you might also consider dropping the habit of making your hand tremble when you know I'm watching, or of closing your eyes and acting surprised out of a coma when I come within earshot. Or not.

This Morning:

TCG:  (Washing dishes sitting in a stool in front of the sink) Listen. I washed the big cookie sheet, and your silicone mat. But this other cookie sheet will have to wait for later. I just don’t have the energy now. 

UCC:  Exercising amazing self control to remain steadfastly silent.

WISIMH:  The cookie sheet has already soaked with soapy water for >24 hours. Philip K. Dick said reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away. So, believe it or not, this is the reality of my life. And that’s why I don’t consider my habit “recreational” drug use. It’s a condition of my very survival.

Later this morning:

UCC: Here’s the pomegranate juice you wanted. How are you today?

DOB:  Well, I cough, then I cough again. Then, I cough a third time and bring something up. Not much, but a little.

UCC:  That’s wonderful. It sounds like you’re feeling a little better.

DOB: Well, I cough once or twice, then on the third cough I usually can bring something up, but not a lot.

UCC:   That’s wonderful. It sounds like you’re feeling a little better.

DOB:  Yes, I had a better night last night. I usually have to cough about three times to bring something up. But it’s not much.

UCC: That’s wonderful. It sounds like you’re feeling a little better. (This is actually fun).

WISIMN:  I wonder if you could try to bring a little something like a fucking clue, or possibly any thought that gets us off this broken record déjà vu merry go round. Better yet, I have a question: Shut the fuck up.

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